bonds of love - chapter 1

TWO STATEMENTS

1. All babies exist in a skinless, necessarily narcissistic, grand subjectivity. As perfectly entitled as they are dependent.

2. This grand subjectivity's first challenge (a chance to develop) is the witnessing of outer reality and the other who is out of our seemingly total control.

1. The baby may first become dictator, completely alone in their omnipotent control. A permissive parent who cannot set boundaries is betraying and abandoning a child. The child who feels that others are extensions of himself must constantly fear the emptiness and loss of connection that result from his fearful power. Only he exists, to win is to win nothing, the result is negation, emptiness, isolation. "The recognition a child seeks is something the mother is able to give only by virtue of her independent identity." The caregiver's lack of independent identity = you are an extension of me, my needs, my wishes. In this total-recognition, there is, in fact, no other to recognise me. Complete recognition from a ghost of sorts denies the feeling of true recognition - that you are other to me and yet you see me. The child is alone.
   The child dominates alone, the parents are unable to survive the attacks of the child and they submit, in essence, abandoning the child.


2. The necessity of recognition comes into play in the opposite phenomena where the child may be neglected or mistuned - perhaps by an alcoholic parent or one who is suffering from mental health issues, absence through workaholism. The ghost caregiver is this time the ghost child. The one who, never reflected back and heard, peers through the camera lens to watch the documentary of the family. You cease to exist in the world. Your grand narcissism is shattered through disappointments that come too soon and too frequently. Peering into the eyes of the depressed parent who cannot hear you. The manic parent whose frantic care are like paper cuts, too fast, too self-centred. The parentified child, super-ego unbending and steely, zooms into the psyche of the child for pure survival - this child will have sexual issues, a lack of self, deep shame around their needs. For in this case, the parent is adopting the grand narcissism of mania or even of depression - the mood that pervades them is so vividly overwhelming that they simply cannot function for a dependent. The child is alone.
   The child is abandoned, neglected, disappointed to the extent that their sense of self is never recognised and they will forever be confused by the other who is unpredictable, unreachable and thus the self may also appear unreachable. Confused aloneness and fear/protectiveness of the other. Obedient to unexpressed commands (complaint to assuage pervasive and expansive anxiety) and hyper-vigilant. The child submits to the domination of an indirect or confusing authority.


3. The authoritarian parent who cannot tolerate the separateness of the child or their independent will, will shame and punish the child for anything that is outside of their expectations. This will produce a complete aloneness in that seeking freedom you are abandoned and locked out of the house of parental love and bonding. In anticipation of and in seeking at least a diluted love from the parent, the child will construct a false self - as in case 2). this is also the superego at work. "The pain that accompanies compliance is preferable to the pain that attends freedom". Guilt, the whip of obedience, directs aggression against the self, where aggression against our giant caregivers is ineffectual and terrifying. At this point in our lives, they cannot be overthrown and so our independence and freedom is overthrown in its stead. The child is alone.
   The child is dominated directly, installs their own inner guard and is able to be compliant to receive love as a slave. Their obedient selves are tolerated. In submissive moulding, they become ambivalent with a repressed true self and propped up false self which journeys out to attain love sustenance.


In all three cases, neither separateness nor union is possible. The child is never fully able to fully engage in or fully disentangle him or herself from this kind of sticky, frustrating interaction. As such, "domination and submission result from a breakdown of the necessary tension between self-assertion and mutual recognition that allows self and other to meet as sovereign equals". We may end up in a scenario where "aloneness is only possible by obliterating the intrusive other and that attunement is only possible by surrendering to the other".
In this way, becoming an individual does not mean reaching separation from oneness. In fact, becoming a differentiated individual means growing more active and sovereign within relation to the other. In other words, "the issue is not how we become free of the other, but how we actively engage and make ourselves known in relationship to the other."
Sustaining the tension between separation and oneness is the key to differentiation and individuation. Continuous failure to sustain the tension results in splitting and disintegration of the whole person. Repression of unacceptable/neglected parts.



Personal reaction

I feel like I've grown into a body which sees everything within a grand objective materialist world of tricks and objects. I focus so much on trying to appease and protect the other. The inner authority that rules me sets the rule: imagine the worst, protect against it. That is my defensive structure and form. I imagine my childhood must have been confusing. I remember the inconsistency, the unexpected shouts, the uncertainty and my retreat. Retreat onto the landing, far enough away that I can listen but not be seen and they won't hear my footsteps if I leave. I truly stood there, mute, watching and wishing... a feeling that my impulses were completely ineffectual and could only exist as internal blips. Feeling dangerous, like knives, I couldn't let them out - embarrass my dad in sticking up for my mum. The knives just span inside me. So much not-fairness. I feel myself fearful of oneness because it feels like a sinking into performativity, away from authenticity. Around my family, all I know is performance and suppression. Though each day my anger rises and I strike out more and more. I'm 30 and I can’t stand my dad. Isn't that what 15 years ago was for? Well, it's a shame I was such a good boy.
I am all too aware of (or in my wild far-reaching projections, I sometimes hit upon the truth) the pains, defences, dangers, complexes of the others and I do my best to fit in and not step on the many-toed monster that I see many people as. For some people I can barely speak about the weather for the roads I see leading from most conversation options gallop into hellish anxious painful uncomfortable places. I protect myself from that feeling and the other from bringing them to their pain, flaws, my judgements and disappointments. With my family, I keep my mouth shut to cover of the gaping gulf between us... I'm basically swallowed by it. A little boy they don’t know. Who won’t let them know him. I grew up with unpredictable people who kept secrets, were not straightforward (had to be interpreted indirectly, tiptoed around) and a disappointed little boy inside me gave up on ever trusting them with my inner reality. I am here looking after him now, it's a long journey.